My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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