Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
