Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
