oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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