My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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