I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
