the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
