i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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