so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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