I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
