he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
