Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
