If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
