The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
