"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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