i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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