the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
