He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
