He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
