Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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