i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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