Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
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I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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