Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
