if you like me you must not know who I am
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
