JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
