so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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