our cab driver is having phone sex.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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