I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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