my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
