Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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