i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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