I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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