If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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