This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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