Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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