I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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