I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
