Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
