Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
