Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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