Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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