I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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