It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
