I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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