i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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