last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
