ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
