FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
