I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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