I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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