a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
