I met the friendliest cop last night
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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