i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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