I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
