I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
