only you would photoshop your dick
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
